Saturday, October 9, 2010

The fourth in a string of losses

I love you guys very much. I have been asking over and over again for you all to punch holes in my rantings and reviews and everyone just responds positively. I could never in my wildest dreams imagine that the internet, in all its hate machine glory, could be so kind and thoughtful. I expected to start a blog and get thrashed every time I turned around but you all have made me feel more welcome into this community than into my own family. Now just do not pull a Precious and start raping me please. And on that topic I have a question, that little nasty kid from that movie, the one she pushes down in the alleyway, was that a boy or a girl? Poll is over there.>>>

Borderlands WTF?!
So I finally beat Borderlands, at least all the game that was on the disk and I only have one major question. What the fuck was that all about? I spent a lot of time doing all the side quests and leveling up. Every time I got to a new area I would purposely not progress until that annoying robot stopped chiming in on the corner of my screen. If you have played this game you know what I am talking about, that little fucker near killed me. Every single time I would finish all the quests he would pop up “ durk durk quest time sucker!” and I would grind my teeth and do them anyway. All the time I was thinking that this work is gonna pay off when I finally get the the Vault and find out what the hell everyone is talking about. I finally get there and then I have to fight a toothed- vagina tentacle monster then cut to black aaaaand... Credits roll then ninja claptrap. After that I had to finish the last mission and go see some bitch to give her some item I had spent the whole game getting and she gives me the equivalent of twenty bucks and the game is then done, with a very unceremonious “ding” that you get after every damn mission. I am just confused at to what bone head thought that this was a good ending? So now their ploy to get me to pay for more content has worked because damn I love zombies. All in all I had a fun time despite the very lackluster ending and I would suggest this game to anyone with a little money and a lot of time to sink. If I had to give it a score I would not because scores are retarded and unnecessary.

A new type of game...
I had a thought that sounded like the most profound thing while it was in my head but when explained to my lovely wife it sounded like the ramblings of a crazy hobo, so I will do my best to explain it here. I grew up in the 90's and as such I watched a ton of sitcoms and cartoons and throughout them there was a very noticeable trend. In any one of these shows the plot was pretty much always the same, everybody is fine- something happens- it gets fixed- everyone is fine- the end. Over and over I watched shows like this that made the same jokes and had the same mistakes as the last one. The only time they ever changed is when love was involved. Be it a new one boyfriend, like in Rosanne, or a new baby, such as Rugrats. After that the whole show would change dramatically for a bit, and while it would eventually become mundane again it would be forever a little different. Now think about all the games that have been big blockbusters recently and think about any one of those that have really changed the market or what we perceive to be a game. I can not think of one in recent history that has been anything different than what I have already played before. How do we change this you ask? If the 90's taught us anything its that for something to become fresh and new we need to put some love into it. I am not even sure what this means to do but we need some games that break up the trend of death and destruction being the staple of video games and bring some love and compassion into the games that is not just a story mechanic but the mechanic for the whole game and it apparent throughout its entirety. In a video on the creative director behind the new Devil May Cry look talked about disenfranchised youth and I agree, I have been pumped these game clones for so long I am ready for a change it what games are. While changing them into something other than guns and fists will not change the world it is a step in the right direction and a step I want to make.

Why do you hate me Scott Pilgrim?
Come one come all and see the magic of changing subjects and making it seem like the author is a hypocrite. I love the Scott Pilgrim game in spite of itself. I enjoy the music, the gameplay, the style, and that I get to play it with my wife. Sadly the co-op is where my first hangup of the game was, I was trying to play by myself at first and was getting beaten left and right and could only play with my wife, thanks to no online co-op. So when I started to play by myself I gamed as I thought I should and had with my wife, like a beat-em-up but that is a trick this game is not that, it is an RPG. But this game is also not a normal RPG where XP is the crutch upon which you lean, rather it is food and lots of it. If I can give any advice to someone playing this game it is to make your character a fat slob and eat everything you can afford because apparently nachos make you Zeus. Those ill thought out mechanics aside the game does a fantastic job of not loading correctly and more than once, Scott has turned into a stealthy ninja assassin where he nor the background music nor the enemies make any sound at all and the enemies cant seem to understand what is punching them so they stand there and just let the assault of fists happen. I am not sure if it is just my game that does this, but even with these problems I still love this game for what it is and its utterly profound take on young life, mainly how everyone looks alike save a color pallet swap. But it seems that despite how much I love this game it does not feel the same about me and this was made apparent from its consistent crashing of not just the game but my entire system which would subsequently have to be rebooted after every fourth load screen. And just as a kicked puppy would, I simply whimper my way through the XMB and seek affection from the one that kicked me. Damn you Scott Pilgrim, I just wish I knew how to quit you!

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep "review"
I have been playing through Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep recently and you probably already know that. What you do not know is that this is a really awesome game that is only held back from the limitations of the PSP itself, mainly the lack of a second analog stick. I have only played through with two of the characters and am working on the third but I am going to “review” it anyway. This this game takes advantage of several things I want more games to utilize, specifically the data install that is nearly one gigabyte and the ability to up the processor power from it allegedly locked state to a higher one. Combined these make the game run like butter on butter and I feel is the only way you should play the game. They also have a feature to change the color depth from 16-bit to 32-bit, I noticed no change at a glance with these options but I played with the 32-bit just to be sure I was getting the best. With all these things turned to their highest settings you will likely need to plug it in but this should not be a problem because you brain will be tricked by the graphics into thinking you are playing a PS2 game and so you will be used to sitting down with something plugged into what you are playing. While this game is awesome it does have its downfalls but they are few and far between. I felt it could have done a better job at explaining what I could do in the menus. I am almost done with this game with all three characters and I still do not understand which commands I can meld and which ones I cant and why very different abilities come from the shards I use in these combinations. I made it halfway through with my second character before I understood what the command styles were and how I might activate them. It also features ridiculous bosses that will bend you over and rape you and no matter how many times you press retry they will always be there to rape you again and again. My advice to “escape the rape” is to play this game on critical mode which is the hardest mode, at least then the enemies will seem on par with the bosses and you will not face a boss who is way to strong and can kill you with one hit. There is a lot of video game packed into this little disk and most of it is a lot of fun. The Mirage Arena is where you can join forces with your friends and take on baddies or just a good place to level grind, it has a lot of missions and challenges once you sink a few hours into it. One of the worlds in this game seems to be just a collection of mini games like a game where you shoot ice cream at ducks to a rhythmic pattern... and cart racing. Within the save menu and the arena you can access the “command board” which takes you to a game that is like a fast paced mash up of Monopoly and Mario Party where you can level up your abilities and ride square blocks. Plus all these games can be played by the three different characters and they do not share their record, this means that if you want to you can make this game last a very very long time. I should mention that these three characters play very differently and if you want to succeed you should make them fight within their strong point, do not make Aqua a berserker and do not make Terra a mage. If you have a PSP then you owe it to yourself to buy this game, if you do not own a PSP then why did you read this?

The Minecraft Trials
I was trying out Minecraft earlier this week because I know I want to buy it but I wanted to make sure it would work on my old computer. Turns out it does if I set all the specs to their lowest possible form and close down every other application. This was my first attempt to make anything in Minecraft.
If you could not tell that is supposed to be a penis in the wall. With this new found information about the art of penis making being a legit thing I went to buy it. At first everything on the paypal was Russian or something and I had no idea how to make it back to English. I did however know something about Spanish and so I changed the language to that and then found Estados Unedos under a selection and viola everything was no longer alien gibberish. Sadly this was to be the only success tonight. After struggling with the computer over what form of the number seven was acceptable I was brutally reminded that my card is not usable on anything based in California, Florida, or anywhere in the world pretty much. The sadness was great and so I went back and attempted again to make a blocky penis. It did not work...
I did however go underwater and made a cool box that I could live in because I can apparently breath underwater and am the Batman. The fail in the air however was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I will get Minecraft someday and Castle Penis shall be a work of art and envied by all.

And as for you Nintendo!
You know what I am pissed off about, the 3DS. Nintendo why do you keep doing this to me? When I had a GB Advance I played the hell out of it until the L and R buttons broke, then I bought a GB SP and played it until the L and R buttons broke. After that waste of money I bought the DS Handbreaker until guess what... the Land R buttons broke. Fast forward and I have bought every handheld since then and the same thing has happened. I refuse to get the XL because this amazing shit is coming out and I NEED it. Not because I particularly like the Nintendo systems but they have just enough exclusives in this crappy box that make me want to get them and because every time the warranty runs out on my old system the damn thing breaks on me and I am sick of this trend. To top all of this off why in the world did they think that ONE analog stick was a good idea. Did you not learn anything from Sony? The touch screen does not cut it as another stick it only sends rage through out my entire being. Anyone making portable games should know at this point that we need two analog sticks this goes for PSP, DS, and the iPhone. Do not give me some crappy input for your games because you know what, I will not play them. To add to that developers will not make anything for them either because they know that any control scheme they come up with will never compare to having two sticks and will kill an otherwise enjoyable experience. So screw you Nintendo, I will not buy your system until you come out with the 3DSXLiSuper64, unless of course you can make some good games for it like Megaman Legends 3 or Golden Sun... well shit...

Go to these places
In case that was not enough information I could spell this out for you. If you love games and enjoy seeing little children smile then you should do something with this thing called “Extra Life” which is a fund raiser for said children. Basically people play games for 24 hours straight and you pay or play with those people in order for them to raise money. ALL proceeds to to the children's miracle network which will in turn help children who are too sick to be smiling. It helps not only get them treatment but buys them new games and toys to help and distract them from the fact that they are sick and could die. Do not participate in this if you are Doctor Claw and hate children... you monster.

And now it is time for the musical portion...
So I really liked the setup of my last blog, at least the part I am about to mimic here. I remember this game not just for being the first RPG I sunk several hundred hours into but one that I also re-bought more than twice. Everything in it is amazing to me but the real hook is the music. I have never heard an RPG, especially from Squarenix that has ever had such an amazing orchestral tracks.

And this song has taken over my life so I feel like I should spread the infection.

Podcast Corner
I listen to a lot of podcasts, and when I say a lot I mean like thirty to forty a week. My job is very repetitive and so I have to have something to listen to because Daft Punk becomes very repetitive after a while. Anyway while I would love to recommend something for you to listen to I am going to do the opposite and recommend something that you should stay away from. The Big O and Duke Show is a pebble in the shoe for my ear. Nothing good has come from the three podcasts I listened to from these guys and that is enough time to have given them a fair shot. They were apparently a big thing in Arizona or something and when they got canned they started their own podcast. Guys the reason you got fired is because you are NOT FUNNY. Its just a string of hick ramblings followed by Darth Vader and woody woodpecker sound effects. I would rather bang my head against the terminators crotch for the dragging hour this podcast takes to finally end than to listen to the idiots talk about fart noises one more time! Just take my advice as stay far away from this podcast, you would want no part of it.

Quick Quip
PLAYSTATION! I would just like to take a minute to say thanks for finally making some good on your promises to PSPlus members. I got the Assassins Creed Brotherhood beta and thats cool. I still want Dead Space 2 though. And above all else, where is my cross game chat? FIX IT!\
You read it all?
Well that brings this blog to a close, thanks for reading, thanks if you did not read because I love views anyway. I am glad that at least a few of you find my muses to be a-muse-ing. Did you ever think about a chairs place in the universe? Anyway I do appreciate all the kind words you have all given me and that makes me just want to run this blog even harder and longer and attempt to put more penis jokes in it as well. As always you can find me on any system as Snickelsox and you can reach me by e-mail at so get on that shit. If you have anything you want me to talk about or if I am off base on anything( read-everything) then let me know in the comments or in an e-mail. One day this place may be a big thing and I am just excited to be given the opportunity to talk about anything and everything. Enough from me...


P.S. The last poll ended and most of you said that when a twelve year old is kicking your ass in MW2 that you just step up your game and start winning. Who do you people think you are fooling?


  1. Minecraft is pure evil... never saw anything so time killing.

  2. The 'I can breath underwater and am batman' comment made me laugh so hard! Very good read :)

    And I don't understand this whole Minecraft thing. Think I'm gonna have to search wiki for it

  3. good job here!

    you just inspired more bubbles on "Enhanced by MS Paint"... check it out!

  4. awesome post, bro! waiting for MOAR

  5. LOL I played borderlands a while ago. It was such a fun game and that ending was just wtf. I think that's a game that they just never wanted to finish so they crapped the ending out and started making more DLCs than anything ever. I've never played the DLCs myself but heard they were all fun except one.
    I'm also playing minecraft, and I can't tell you why. I just don't understand it. It's not really fun, but I'm not really bored so it's like ok and then hours have past. And I recently found a dungeon under my house that I died in and couldnt get back in time, so I lost a lot of my good stuff and now i'm useless in the game!
    Also great post, it's nearly as big as minecraft!

  6. Fantastic post dude, waiting for more...

  7. minecraft will rob your life!

  8. wow long post! sorta just skipped thru it coz it was almost tldr
    but minecraft is fun :P so thumbs up

  9. Great read! Looking forward to reading your next post.

  10. Peniscraft is a great game. And fuck the DS man. Nintendo can't make a system to fit a REAL AMERICAN MAN. I'm the kind of guy who enjoyed the original Xbox controller. That thing fit like a glove. The SP was the worst, i had to buy a device that made it able to fit in my wookie paws.

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